Pain and Suffering
Why Proximity Matters More Than Fixing
Rev. BrianJames McMahon, LMFT
Founder of Church Well Co
This article is a synopsis of the presentation BrianJames gave during a Brave Conversation hosted by Church Well Co in October of 2025.
Pain vs. Suffering
Pain is the response to something being wrong. Something is broken, out of alignment, invading where it does not belong, absent from a place it is needed.
In The Deepest Place, Curt Thompson offers an interesting distinction between pain and suffering: Pain becomes suffering when it is combined with powerlessness and isolation. Pain, in and of itself, is simply a response to something being wrong. But when pain is paired with isolation and a lack of agency, it transforms into suffering.
This distinction matters more than we might realize.
Most of the time in our contexts of relationship and ministry, we aren’t just engaging pain — we are encountering the suffering that those around us exist with. The suffering that overwhelms them. The suffering that has been long-hidden. The original hurt is still there, but it now exists inside a larger context of aloneness and helplessness. This distinction changes everything.
Pain asks for healing.
Suffering asks for presence.
When someone is hurting, our instinct is often to fix the pain. We offer advice. We give tools. We provide solutions. We try to alleviate the hurt. But if suffering is actually pain housed within isolation and powerlessness, then solutions alone won’t work.
You cannot medicate isolation.
You cannot advise someone out of powerlessness.
Suffering is not asking to be healed. It is asking to be relieved.
Pain needs healing. Suffering needs to be lifted by the presence of others. Suffering can only begin to dissolve when isolation is broken and agency is restored — and that requires proximity. In other words: Suffering is undone not first by healing, solutions, or answers, but by presence. In doing so, suffering converts back into pain that can then be healed.
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Theologically, this framework echoes the life of Jesus. The incarnation came before crucifixion and resurrection. Proximity preceded ministry. Closeness and connection were offered long before healing, freedom, and salvation.
Before Jesus healed the sick, raised the dead, or cast out demons, He spent 30 years living among people.
Thirty years. Think about this.
Thirty years spent in proximity to human suffering. Thirty years spent bearing witness to brokenness without immediately fixing it. For thirty years the Messiah, the Savior of the world, God in flesh lived among the suffering of his people. For thirty years God bore witness to his own community hurting. Jesus walked with them. Shared meals with them. Worked with them. Bore witness to the oppression under the thumb of empire. Only after thirty years of presence did he take action.
This reality should challenge us.
How long are we willing to walk with someone before offering healing? Ten minutes? A month? A year?
Jesus restrained His power in order to first enter the human story. He chose presence before intervention. We often want resurrection without incarnation. But that is not how it works. Healing flows from proximity to the pain. And proximity to pain cannot happen without entering into the suffering iteslf.
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Why does this matter?
If pain becomes suffering when joined with isolation and powerlessness, then healing begins by reversing that equation.
When isolation decreases, suffering begins to return to pain. And pain — unlike suffering — is accessible. It can be tended to. It can be restored.
This is why community matters so deeply.
When we draw near to someone in their suffering:
We affirm their worth.
We remind them they are not alone.
We restore a sense of agency.
We create space for healing to begin.
Presence converts suffering back into pain. And pain can be healed.
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At its core, pain is a response to something being wrong. When you stub your toe, something moved in a way it wasn’t meant to. When abuse happens, the relationship is distorted from its design. When a relationship ends, something breaks that was meant for connection. Pain signals misalignment; something is “off.”
But here’s where we often get distracted: we tend to react not to the pain itself, but to people’s reactions to pain. Anger. Control. Withdrawal. Disruptive behavior. These reactions can obscure the deeper truth: something underneath is hurting. Yet the presence of reactivity does not nullify the existence of pain. When we are grounded, whole, and aligned, most of us are remarkable human beings. Disruptive behavior often signals that something deeper is broken.
Instead of asking, “Why are they acting this way?”
We might ask, “What must be off underneath this reaction?”
Remaining non-reactive ourselves is one of the greatest challenges in walking with others is . It’s easy to respond to behavior.
It’s harder to sit with what lies beneath it.
When Jesus encountered people in the Gospels, He often bypassed the visible reactivity and went straight to presence. Zacchaeus climbs a tree — an odd, socially disruptive act. Jesus doesn’t interrogate him. He says, “Let’s go to your house.” He moves toward him. Again and again, Jesus models attentiveness over correction, proximity over judgment.
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This way is not without tension. It may feel uncomfortable to center presence over solutions in church or ministry settings that prioritize answers and certainty. It may challenge our instincts to fix quickly. It may feel inefficient. Likely it will be inefficient. Because proximity takes time, presence requires restraint, and listening demands humility. But if we recognize suffering as pain combined with isolation and powerlessness, then the most significant and Christlike ministry we can offer is to enter into that suffering, to be with. As suffering is released, pain begins to be healed.
If we want to walk in the way of Jesus, we may need to shift our focus:
From fixing to presence
From reaction to curiosity
From isolation to proximity
Suffering cannot survive where isolation ends. And sometimes the most Christlike thing we can do is simply stay present.